In the matters of the heart, there is no logic.......I have missed writing so much. After a hiatus of about a year, I come back to writing. (blogging, I should say!)..which for me is more of pouring my heart out. Though I write reviews for a website and write training manuals, I am bound by parameters in writing. I am not complaining..I enjoy what I do...but blogging is something that I can write through my heart and how!..
When I had to recently sent my profile to someone, he pointed out - "Your blog, my dear! has a post that is almost a year old!".."Is it?" I said, and sure enough I was kicking myself for it. How could I not write? Or the past one year had been such a roller coaster that I had no time to really pen down my feelings...but today, I seek to write as I find it therapeutic.
I feel that my life is divided in two and both the parts are yearning for excellence. The parts like anyone else's out there is my career and my relationships. Oh well!..there is a lot more to it like my hobbies, my entertainment but i feel they all fall under my relationships. Off late, I come to see that to be able to manage one part, I have to trade off something from the other. Well! call it late realization maybe, but it is now that it has started to affect more. Gone are the days, back in college, when all I wanted was a big fat salary and a great role. Today, money comes probably towards the end in my list, though it is an essential part. Those days I feel I was much happier and people around me supported me towards my goal.
As I came to be more experienced both at work and my relationships (mostly with my immediate family of a husband and a daughter, my parents and my parents in law), I realized that the though my focus to give it my best in my career is still intact (hazy though!), it seems to have been completely erased from the minds of the others. In these relationships, I do not count friends, as I feel I have been blessed with a great bunch who seem to be always "understand" my side even though they may not approve of it!
In my quest to give it my best as a mother, daughter, sister and daughter in law (not wife again as I have the most wonderful person as my partner and I do not have to "work" extra and give it my best shot as the wife!), I had put some of my own goals under the carpet but I knew exactly where it was!. Having spent most of my time bringing up my daughter in the best possible manner (I am a first time mother you see!!!), I stretched myself trying to achieve in my career front as much as I could. I joined work with a support system carved out with the help of my husband. Then came a time I took a conscious sabbatical and in my opinion did a good job by upscaling my skills. I cam across many people and sure enough with one of them, we derived a great model in working ...flexibly and from home. I was thrilled that it took time but yes I was settling in. I made my mark in the first year, and when things were rolling, I went through health issues and moving towns. It took me time again, but I was back to work and this time with a steady flow of work that required me to completely focus. Oh! how much i love to be busy with something i love and even get paid for it! Too good to be true i thought, but touch wood!
And then it happened, a trade off from my relationship domain to support my professional domain. Expectations run high when it comes to relationships and each time you feel you have given it your best..the bar is raised. Expectations from my side also rose and that is where I made the mistake. I was in this whole bubble thinking that I was always "giving" and "compromising" and hence felt that it was okay to take liberties, okay to say no and okay to take relationships for granted!..I still do not know whose mistake it is but I am sure I do had a fair share of it. But, isn't forgiveness above mistakes. Are people not allowed a second chance? Will sarcasm, ego and ill feelings ever go?
Truly, one needs to be so careful in manging relationships. One never knows what gives you a jolt. And the jolt comes from someone so unexpectedly, you cannot even recall or remember what is it that one did wrong.
Today, as I value the people closest in my life, I realize it is them that give me the highest level of pain and happiness. But as I understand their need, why is is so difficult for them to understand mine?....a question I still have not got an answer to!
When I had to recently sent my profile to someone, he pointed out - "Your blog, my dear! has a post that is almost a year old!".."Is it?" I said, and sure enough I was kicking myself for it. How could I not write? Or the past one year had been such a roller coaster that I had no time to really pen down my feelings...but today, I seek to write as I find it therapeutic.
I feel that my life is divided in two and both the parts are yearning for excellence. The parts like anyone else's out there is my career and my relationships. Oh well!..there is a lot more to it like my hobbies, my entertainment but i feel they all fall under my relationships. Off late, I come to see that to be able to manage one part, I have to trade off something from the other. Well! call it late realization maybe, but it is now that it has started to affect more. Gone are the days, back in college, when all I wanted was a big fat salary and a great role. Today, money comes probably towards the end in my list, though it is an essential part. Those days I feel I was much happier and people around me supported me towards my goal.
As I came to be more experienced both at work and my relationships (mostly with my immediate family of a husband and a daughter, my parents and my parents in law), I realized that the though my focus to give it my best in my career is still intact (hazy though!), it seems to have been completely erased from the minds of the others. In these relationships, I do not count friends, as I feel I have been blessed with a great bunch who seem to be always "understand" my side even though they may not approve of it!
In my quest to give it my best as a mother, daughter, sister and daughter in law (not wife again as I have the most wonderful person as my partner and I do not have to "work" extra and give it my best shot as the wife!), I had put some of my own goals under the carpet but I knew exactly where it was!. Having spent most of my time bringing up my daughter in the best possible manner (I am a first time mother you see!!!), I stretched myself trying to achieve in my career front as much as I could. I joined work with a support system carved out with the help of my husband. Then came a time I took a conscious sabbatical and in my opinion did a good job by upscaling my skills. I cam across many people and sure enough with one of them, we derived a great model in working ...flexibly and from home. I was thrilled that it took time but yes I was settling in. I made my mark in the first year, and when things were rolling, I went through health issues and moving towns. It took me time again, but I was back to work and this time with a steady flow of work that required me to completely focus. Oh! how much i love to be busy with something i love and even get paid for it! Too good to be true i thought, but touch wood!
And then it happened, a trade off from my relationship domain to support my professional domain. Expectations run high when it comes to relationships and each time you feel you have given it your best..the bar is raised. Expectations from my side also rose and that is where I made the mistake. I was in this whole bubble thinking that I was always "giving" and "compromising" and hence felt that it was okay to take liberties, okay to say no and okay to take relationships for granted!..I still do not know whose mistake it is but I am sure I do had a fair share of it. But, isn't forgiveness above mistakes. Are people not allowed a second chance? Will sarcasm, ego and ill feelings ever go?
Truly, one needs to be so careful in manging relationships. One never knows what gives you a jolt. And the jolt comes from someone so unexpectedly, you cannot even recall or remember what is it that one did wrong.
Today, as I value the people closest in my life, I realize it is them that give me the highest level of pain and happiness. But as I understand their need, why is is so difficult for them to understand mine?....a question I still have not got an answer to!
