A Question!

In the matters of the heart, there is no logic.......I have missed writing so much. After a hiatus of about a year, I come back to writing. (blogging, I should say!)..which for me is more of pouring my heart out. Though I write reviews for a website and write training manuals, I am bound by parameters in writing. I am not complaining..I enjoy what I do...but blogging is something that I can write through my heart and how!..
When I had to recently sent my profile to someone, he pointed out - "Your blog, my dear! has a post that is almost a year old!".."Is it?" I said, and sure enough I was kicking myself for it. How could I not write? Or the past one year had been such a roller coaster that I had no time to really pen down my feelings...but today, I seek to write as I find it therapeutic.


I feel that my life is divided in two and both the parts are yearning for excellence. The parts like anyone else's out there is my career and my relationships. Oh well!..there is a lot more to it like my  hobbies, my entertainment but i feel they all fall under my relationships. Off late, I come to see that to be able to manage one part, I have to trade off something from the other. Well! call it late realization maybe, but it is now that it has started to affect more. Gone are the days, back in college, when all I wanted was a big fat salary and a great role. Today, money comes probably towards the end in my list, though it is an essential part. Those days I feel I was much happier and people around me supported me towards my goal. 


As I came to be more experienced both at work and my relationships (mostly with my immediate family of a husband and a daughter, my parents and my parents in law), I realized that the though my focus to give it my best in my career is still intact (hazy though!), it seems to have been completely erased from the minds of the others. In these relationships, I do not count friends, as I feel I have been blessed with a great bunch who seem to be always "understand" my side even though they may not approve of it!


In my quest to give it my best as a mother, daughter, sister and daughter in law (not wife again as I have the most wonderful person as my partner and I do not have to "work" extra and give it my best shot as the wife!), I had put some of my own goals under the carpet but I knew exactly where it was!. Having spent most of my time bringing up my daughter in the best possible manner (I am a first time mother you see!!!), I stretched myself trying to achieve in my career front as much as I could. I joined work with a support system carved out with the help of my husband. Then came a time I took a conscious sabbatical and in my opinion did a good job by upscaling my skills. I cam across many people and sure enough with one of them, we derived a great model in working ...flexibly and from home. I was thrilled that it took time but yes I was settling in. I made my mark in the first year, and when things were rolling, I went through health issues and moving towns. It took me time again, but I was back to work and this time with a steady flow of work that required me to completely focus. Oh! how much i love to be busy with something i love and  even get paid for it! Too good to be true i thought, but touch wood!


And then it happened, a trade off from my relationship domain to support my professional domain. Expectations run high when it comes to relationships and each time you feel you have given it your best..the bar is raised. Expectations from my side also rose and that is where I made the mistake. I was in this whole bubble thinking that I was always "giving" and "compromising" and hence felt that it was okay to take liberties, okay to say no and okay to take relationships for granted!..I still do not know whose mistake it is but I am sure I do had a fair share of it. But, isn't forgiveness above mistakes. Are people not allowed a second chance? Will sarcasm, ego and ill feelings ever go?


Truly, one needs to be so careful in manging relationships. One never knows what gives you a jolt. And the jolt comes from someone so unexpectedly, you cannot even recall or remember what is it that one did wrong.


Today, as I value the people closest in my life, I realize it is them that give me the highest level of pain and happiness. But as I understand their need, why is is so difficult for them to understand mine?....a question I still have not got an answer to!

Cognitive Diary

I took to writing in school and have been writing ...God only knows how I write but I just write because I love to...I took to blogging so that I could have a medium to write but somehow the clickety clack is just not the same as the swishing of the pen against the paper..( you could call me technologically challenged..but the enjoyment is higher when its the paper and the pen!)...

And hence, I have decided to write in my style and then painfully translate in the soft copy and post on the blog!...that explains why I have not posted anything at all for the past four months(not that anyone has been missing me as I am so "connected" on facebook and the likes!!)

A lot has happened since I put my thoughts together to actually write it. The monotony of routine, the excitement of a holiday, the happiness of meeting family, the feeling of success...lots of emotions and lots of reactions...

I recently read about how writing is theraupatic and can do wonders to one's state of mind. I did not think it to be very effective, till I actually did it. I started talking to a lot of people who are connected to the subject and was flabbergasted at the depth of the techniqe. Most of us react to a situation giving in to our emotions that are triggered by the beliefs that we carry. The reactions on hind sight may then leave us guilty and with a feeling of "my god!..why did i ever behave in that manner!!"...

Simple, because we are so engrossed in our own "self talk" that seldom do we realise the consequences of an impulsive reaction. This causes us more harm than the person who we react to. It was here that I was introduced to the use of a cognitive diary.

I began on the day when I was utterly disappointed with a deal not coming through. We had put in a lot of effort and in my opinion, the prospective client was just "using" us newbees!!!...I spoke to a colleague who suggested I write EXACTLY what I was feeling. I took a paper and pen and began and suprisingly enough, though I had written almost a page and a half, I was not feeling as bad as before!!!
In fact, I felt amused at myself that I could be so featherbrained!!! Sure enough, soon I was laughing at the whole episode, picking up from where we had lost and believe me, the client did call back promising to work with us in the "near future"(fingers crossed!!)

The point I am trying to make is, we cannot change situations and the complexities that come with it, what we can do is work on what is in our control. A cognitive diary does help in this regard. So what exactly is a Cognitive Diary? Its a way of writing out (read venting out) all that we feel - emotionally, physically and mentally whenever we go through spikes of emotions - a high or a low. Generally used as a theraupatic approach to help solve problems in the area of negative emotions and depression, cognitive diary can also be used to help us come closer to our own selves and be more aware of our emotions and our behaviour.

Maintaining a cognitive diary is a method to release one's tensions, trauma and all ill feelings without having to worry about confidentiality or the search for a "trustworthy" friend / confidate. One can begin when one is faced with a challenge that is causing a lot of discomfort mentally and you just "need" to talk to someone. The safest would be to talk to yourself. Write down what you feel and what is bothering you. Do not deny any emotions and see that you clearly write them. Once you have done that, take a walk and come back. Read what you have written and you will be astonished to note that you no longer harbor the negative feelings that you have so vehemently put it in black and white. It may take a while till you actually feel comfortable doing this. Donot fret, for doing the most uncomfortable thing helps you get comfortable with it!

There is a second level to use your writing to correct oneself or what we call "regulate" our emotions. This is something that people across use it as therapy. Well! I for one have not ventured into it.

Until then, I swear by the cognitive diary that has helped me see a lot of changes in myself. I am sure most of my friends who read this blog will agree!!

Look Within

My journey as a full fledged Executive Coach began about three months ago...I almost knew what I was getting into...I say almost because I had not realised the power of coaching till I saw the results.....

Coaching as a concept is fairly new in India and has tremendous potential in the years to come. The need for Coaching arises because of a number of factors that are relevant today in the professional and personal areas of any individual.

The basic premise of Coaching is the relationship between the coach and coachee that is built on trust and honesty. A level above is the facilitation process that the Coach brings about to make the Coachee think..and think differently, radically and out of the box. For, in coaching, there is nothing as "I cannot think"....When all windows seem to be closed, there is this small ray of light that the coachee encounters and that is what is called an "insight".

An insight is generated by assisting the coachee to delve deep within his own thoughts and try to evaluate a situation by focusing on how best he can come out of it. The more the person introspects without getting into the detail and a whole lot of drama, there is a cent per cent chance that people arrive at a solution which had never crossed their mind. This is what Coaching brings about...The ability to help people structure their thoughts vocally, to be able to deal with them deep inside and to come out with an "insight".

An insight is momentary unless it is tapped immediately and converted to action. We all have insights through the day, while at work or at home...however, every insight does not move into an action plan as there are other thoughts that cross the mind all at the same time.

It is this tapping of the momentary thought that completely enables the coachee to move forward and full force. This is done by the technique of questioning powerfully and being honest to oneself and like Buddha said - "Look Within!".

Money Matters!

Din hai suhaana aaj pehli tareek hai.....

Well yes, the first day of the month....the day I open my bank account so see if I have received what I should, the day I plan my monthly budget(only to overshoot it- month on month), the day I pay out salaries(....c'mon to my maid, dhobi etc etc!!), the day I feel very in control(all the figures in the bank help!!)....but there is definitely something about Money that drives us all.

I remember once interviewing someone for a key position and he said "It is the role that drives me and not the money"...well! how much of it is really true?...yes, may be true may be not...But there is this inner happiness that I definitely experience when I see money... I am not materialistic and I am very sure about it...so what does Money do to give me that high..?

I figured, I have a list of strange things about Money...and as usual(in my style of writing!, enlist them as:
1. It is never enough!!
2. It takes care of my impulsive shopping and outings
3. It makes me feel worthwhile
4. It makes me feel independant
5. It makes me wiser as I then begin to plan and save
6. It has an uncanny habit of disappearing just like that
7. It is easier to borrow it than to lend it
8. It brings about discrimination
9. It indicates growth and success for an individual to a nation
10. It makes me secure
11. The more I have it, the more difficult it is to manage it
12. It is extremely tempting
13. More is always welcome
14. Money itself is discriminatory.
15. MONEY CANNOT BUY EVERYTHING!

I feel a lot better especially as I write the last point. I know money is important and gives me a positive lift but hey it is not everything. It motivates me no doubt but it does not own me and definitely cannot buy me!

Happy!

I sometimes wonder what are the things that make me happy....A friend of mine told me to "grow up"..and I have been hearing this since I was 7 maybe!...another one called me a "joker" and someone else "funny"...

Looking at all the adjectives bestowed on me, I know I want to derive happiness from everything that is around me..so I decided to just list a few things that make me smile, make me happy and like the song says.."my dil goes mmmmmmmm!!!!"...I wonder if someone else finds this familiar!

I find myself smiliing when:

• See a new flower bloom in my so called garden (of precisely 4 pots!!),  the morning i open my balcony door.
• To see an old friend come online and we chat secretly during office hours!
• To know some close friend's pet name I never knew existed and tease them till I get bored of it!
• Somesh calling unexpectedly...
• Poku laughing at some joke she considers only hers.
• See Poku fight with some older kids to get her way.
• See a dude gymming his guts out..
• Make a verbal blunder(oh I am so good at it!).
• People say "gosh! u have lost weight!"(its been a while since someone said that though!)
• Smile from a passerby!
• A smiling cabbie
• A handsome dude checking himself in the mirror.
• Smell of wet soil
• Aroma of  home cooked meal
• Smell of a new book
• Hot brewing coffee in the winters of Darjeeling
• Meeting old friends and going berserk laughing over old days (SIMS!!!!!!)
• Boiled bhutta with butter(smack smack!!)
• A new painting made by Prakriti
• Lunch at Churchill
• A parcel I did not expect
• A call from an old forgotten friend
• A tight hug from Somesh in public

• Poku saying"I love you"(to get her way!!)
• Seeing my mum on facebook.
• Reading the comments of my friends on my blog!
• A book full of Pj's (love the sindhi and santa banta ones)

.....and the list is endless..........God I thank you for everything and keeping me happy even in the most distressing and trying times...My vow to you...I will be happy!...Im the new "Happy Singh!!!"

The Power of Trust

Trust - a small word but means the world.

In the past few months of Coaching, I realise how important trust and honesty is. How come one can trust someone so easily while it takes ages to actually trust someone else. What is that factor that allows us to trust and what is it that helps build trust. A lot of research has gone towards this and continues to do so.What I find intriguing is the only thing that allows us to trust someone is to trust ourselves, to be honest to the other is to be honest to oneself. To have a belief very strong that one knows when it is right.

Trust has huge power. With trust on one's side, every challenge, every hurdle seems not so difficult to achieve. So whose Trust are we talking about. I am talking about the Trust in oneself. In one's beliefs, in one's doings, in one's destiny and in one's future.

If I can Trust myself enough to know that I can achieve what I set out to, I can do what I want to and I really do believe that there is nothing that is a struggle and again I trust myself, the world is mine and I know it.

There have been times when I look back at life and wonder if it was trust that got me where I am and I know the answer that each time I face a hurdle, I have to trust myself to pick me up and go on. In times of distress, one feels demotivated and depressed, but hey trust in oneself is close to trust in God and with this in mind, nothing then remains a challenge.

As I am making my path towards being an Effective Coach, I realise how important it is for me to be trustworthy and honest. Ethics run high in my area of work. So does confidentiality and honesty. To be an effective Coach, I need to understand the sanctity and piousness of trust. If I cannot keep the sacredness of the engagement, I would be harming the relationship in a huge way. Sometimes I marvel at the way some people so easily say things that are considered personal and private. There has to be something and I am still searching for the answer....

Think!

I have always been a huge movie buff...Back during hostel days I remember going out to watch every single Friday release with my room mates just to discuss it over the Saturday breakfast table and recommend it to the rest of the gang!

Today was one such Friday. I picked up the newspaper and discovered a couple of new releases....I had been to a movie last week only to entertain my little princess - "Aladin" if you please!

Anyway, as a reward to myself for the hard work behind my evaluation, I called my friend and we decided to go watch the movie at 10am today!!!

We picked JAIL. I have always had huge expectations out of Madhur Bhandarkar as a film maker. Let me add here, though I have always loved English cinema...I am a tad inclined towards our very own Bollywood and to see it coming of age is a great relief!

It was no surprise to see Neil Nitin Mukesh act so brilliantly...and kudos to the make up guy...i think that person really did a great job with Neil's look. The protagonist hardly had any lines to say but wow..i was taken in by the brilliance of his emotions and the potrayal of the same. Neil, Im sure you will go a long way....there is absolutely no doubt!

What kept me thinking is how our minds can be...We are controlled all by what our minds tell us to. I recently finished reading Emotional Intelligence and while watching the movie could relate to it completely. Some things that I learnt from the movie today and I pick some of the dialogues (hope there is no trademark issues here!)

1. "Ek second ka gussa aur mein yahaan do saal se hoon" - Its, after all, the split second emotion that we cannot manage or control that goes a long way in deciding who we are today and what we will become tomorrow.

2. "Did you miss me" - Relationships are so important. It is only in the times of despair and unhappiness one realises who is yours and who is not. It is so important to love and be loved. If we had love all around us, there would be no complications at all. Sigh!...if only we could follow this simple thing called Love

3. "Admi bura nahi hota, waqt bura hota hai" - Everyone is born equal. Though most of the time we may believe that we carve ourselves into what we are, it is also important to realise that there is something called destiny, luck and timing. There are certain things that are beyond explanation and we must treat that with respect too.

4. "Zindagi mein haar maan bhi jaao, tabhi bhi ummeed mat chhodna" - Hope is everything. Hope gives us the will to live and love. Hope brings in a new day, a better day. Give up hope and be ready to give up on life

5."Thank you! aaj pehli baar kissi ne mujh se pocha hai ki mein gunehgaar hoon ya nahi" - Reminds me of Covey's 5th Habit - Seek first to understand and then to be understood. Empathy goes a long way. In our times of quick fix, we view the world as we see it. Putting ourselves in someone else's shoes and feeling through them is empathy. If only we would not react, if only we try to see the other side, if only we could be better listener's..if only!

There are tons of such dialogues that got me thinking and by the end of the movie I was itching to write. I know one would want to watch the movie for themselves and hence a couple of lines more and I would have a fleet of friends ready to kill me...

Enjoy the movie and think!